We often think of kindness as something we give to others. A thoughtful message, a warm smile, a small act that brightens someone’s day. Showing kindness to others comes easily but offering it to ourselves can take practice. We comfort friends, support colleagues, and care for family yet can be quietly unforgiving when it comes to our own needs. We rush, criticise, and push through rather than pause.
This imbalance is not a flaw; it is a habit. Somewhere along the way we learned that kindness to ourselves was indulgent, or unproductive but true kindness is circular. It begins with how we speak to ourselves, how we rest, and how we give our own hearts permission to soften.
One simple, evidence-based practice from positive psychology invites us to reconnect with that inner gentleness through a self-compassion letter. You write to yourself as you would to someone you love who is struggling, acknowledging what is hard and offer words of warmth rather than judgement. Studies show this practice can boost wellbeing and resilience, reminding us that imperfection is part of being human.
Think of people we naturally associate with kindness, the late Dame Deborah James, or the broadcaster Fearne Cotton, both known for extending compassion not only to others but also to themselves, allowing space for rest, reflection, and joy.
So perhaps the next time you offer kindness to someone else, let it be a reminder to turn a little of that care inward too. Kindness towards ourselves does not make us self-absorbed; it roots us in balance and authenticity. And from that place, kindness to others flows more freely and more beautifully. [Ends]
Credit: Anna Shears, Positive Psychologist, Coach & Consultant www.annashears.com
Positive psychology in practice: A self-compassion letter.
- Find a quiet space
Sit somewhere comfortable and imagine a close friend who is struggling. Picture how you would speak to them, the tone, the words, the warmth. - Write to yourself in the same way
Begin your letter with kindness. Acknowledge what feels difficult right now. Avoid fixing or analysing; simply offer the understanding and reassurance you’d give that friend. - Read it back with care
Take a few breaths and read your words slowly. Notice how it feels to be on the receiving end of your own compassion. - Keep it close
Save your letter to revisit when self-doubt creeps in. Over time, this practice retrains your inner voice to become softer and more supportive.
Small acts of self-kindness are powerful because they remind you that you are human first, capable second.
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