I’ve just been in a yoga class, nothing new there, I do them a lot. This was a new class though. Lots of people were regulars, I was the new girl.
It’s such a unique feeling. The nerves, the instant flashbacks to the first day at a new school, my body feels somehow bigger and clumsier and obviously out of place.
And then, someone went to talk to me, and I was thrilled.
They asked me if I could move because they wanted to sit next to their friend Sue… and immediately I hated the class, I felt lonely, I was jealous of Sue.
And it got me thinking. Why was I so triggered?
It’s because I would never do that and, I consider it my life’s work to never let anyone feel left out. Making friends as an adult can be rough. I have moved jobs, towns and points of view and through that, I have worked out how to make friends, real ones, not the superficial ones.
I used to feel very lonely. I struggled to ‘fit in’ as, probably I wasn’t really friends with myself so strangers didn’t have a chance. I was good at the superficial friendship but, if the sh*t hit the fan, I wasn’t entirely sure I knew anyone that could bail me out.
This was because I wasn’t ready to let them in, turns out there were some amazing friends just desperate to be let in.
So, some honest chat…
I haven’t always been a great friend, and chances are, neither have you.
When you know who you are and what you want, all relationships, including friendships are easier.
Making friends as a grown up isn’t easy, however, it’s not because something is wrong with you.
So, do the inner work and take a good honest look at the people in your life, are they trying to be friends and you’re not letting them in? If so, why not?!
If not, ok, maybe it’s time to meet some new friends.
Since school few of us have been in a situation where making friends is ‘easy’. It’s because we don’t have the shared schedules, forced proximity and ‘see you tomorrow’ scenarios.
With more remote working and people working for themselves, office friendships are also often a thing of the past.
So, as someone that is happy to brag that I have A1 friends that are a wonderful range of lifers and recent additions here is my advice on making, and keeping friends as a grown up…
We have to be intentional
You cant wake up one day, say “I need friends” and expect 10 wonderful women to knock on your door and invite you out for a coffee.
Start with one. Start small.
Speak to the woman next to you on the yoga mat (not Sue! She has a friend), in the coffee shop or at work. I am only going to talk about IRL friendships that can develop online, as starting a relationship online can create all sorts of para social situations I just don’t get!
So, we said hello. Now what?
Consistency is the secret ingredient. We need to repeat patterns and times, go to the same classes, walk your dog at the same time, repetition and consistency are key.
Be the one that follows up
You had a chat, you both love hedgehog memes. Ask her what her Instagram account is, or suggest that you meet on purpose next time.
If you meet and you enjoy it, follow up, if you don’t, don’t!
This is a friendship. It’s not a job interview. It’s not the love of your life. If you didn’t get on, move on.
Be vulnerable… in time
Now, I am an over sharer and I can at times love bomb friends. I know I can. I meet someone and I love them instantly and send them too many pictures of shoes and cheese and then I have to hide from them.
So, learn from me. Start surface. Remember, two ears, one mouth. Ask questions, share vulnerabilities. We are going from surface to forever.
This takes time.
You cannot go from hello to deep dark secrets, however, you do need to let people in. Be vulnerable and also be there for them
Be the connector
Join people together. Now this is my specialist skill. I love setting friends up with friends. I know that I am not anyone’s everything, but, I can be useful to them, I can share my most treasured possessions (my friends) and, I then reap.
Season Reason Lifetime
I’m sure you’ve hear this saying but its an important one to remember. Adult friendships take time and they ebb and flow.
Some are for a season – baby group mums are a great example, or work colleagues.
Some are for a reason – we both play hockey
Some are for a lifetime – these often start in the other categories and then make their way into your heart.
Protect your energy
Find people that expand you. Lacey Philips from To Be Magnetic taught me this. Your friendships should fill you up, not drain you.
You put your best self forward – show up when you say you will, be curious about them and, expect the same.
Make sure you enjoy their company, there are plenty more fish in the sea! This is not just having someone to do something with. This is your precious time to spend with precious people.
Understand that most people in a good friend group were you once. We’ve all been the new girl and most of us (apart from Sue’s friend!) understand how hard it is and want to make friends just as much as you do.
So, go forth and chat to the stranger…
Don’t be Sue.
